Here’s my thoughts on the X-frame table:
Absolutely the best the world has ever seen. And it’s stunning. Looks, materials, design, concept, one of one. Everything else falls short. It will be one of fireballs biggest successes. Watch. I can see the future. Nothing can truly rival it.
But with that said (don’t you hate when they say that), It’s like the current table is version 1.0, when version 2.0 is going to be revolutionary.
There are three areas that I see that can be given a fireball redesign for Version 2.0:
- Fastening system
- Frame rails
- X-Frame subframe (X-Wing homage)
I’m going to write this in the spirit of a marketing ad introducing Version 2.0. All numbers are made up, but probably accurate.
Fastening System
We can admit it. Version 1.0 of the X-Frame fastening system didn’t exactly scream “Fireball tool”. So we gave the fastening system a complete Fireball makeover. Version 2.0 uses 3/4” leveling mounts, with the frame mounting locations over reinforced. Fireball style. The plates will never move. Fireball designed a revolutionary adjustment and locking mechanism for the fasteners. We call it the RoLL system: Raise or Lower and Lock. With a giant awesome and special space age hex-like head that required 7 supercomputers to design, you can raise or lower any plate mounting location with the ease of ignoring a phone call from your ex. The fastener locations were digitally analyzed for the optimal locations for those fasteners to manipulate a plate. With primary mounts to take on the bulk of positioning, and secondary mounts to provide an optional way to fine tune flatness to ~3.5 Brazilianths of an inch. Version 2.0 is so precise it can flatten an 1/8”steel plate just as well as a 2” hot rolled steel plate you found under a car somewhere. Beat that Siegmund. You can’t, America wins this time.
Frame Rails
Version 2.0 uses all I-Beam railing. All webbing is I-beam. Nothing is not I-beam. If it’s not I-beam, it’s not on the X-Frame. Unmatched rigidity and torsion control. In addition, we have introduced a proprietary gauge standard for desired weight or rigidity requirements of the user. Want to use 1.5” steal plates on your X-Frame, go with a 4 gauge frame that can handle 14 bulldozers with ease. Want to make an mdf topped general use worktable because you don’t weld and fire scares you, a 14 gauge X-Frame would be perfect for “you people”. Any frame size, any gauge, order exactly what you need for your shop.
Version 2.0 is milled flat over the entire mounting surface, giving you more flat surface area than the Badwater Basin salt flats (that’s over 200 square miles of flatness). Coupled with the I-beam frame rails being thicker at the top, the flat surface area has been increased by 24 googles over version 1.0, that’s enough googles to make Google jealous.
X-Frame subframe
It’s called the X-Frame but it has no X’s. Oops, our bad. So we gave version 2.0 X’s. A lot of X’s. Starting with a corner to corner I-beam X main structure reminiscent of an X-Wing fighter. We then added X’s to all the webbing rails. Instead of using squares as support structures, X’s allow version 2.0 to make use of triangular rigidity. 20 quadrillion times more structurally rigid than version 1.0! In addition, all leg mounting locations have been fully boxed making them 70 gorillion times stronger. Strong enough for Space X to use for it’s rocket launching platforms. And maybe they already do, but that’s between us and Elon, damn NDAs.
Version 2.0 is so X’ed out we should call it the XXX-Frame (user discretion advised). Plus, whenever you drop a bolt and have to crawl under the X-Frame table to get it, looking up will be the highlight of the journey. You might even find yourself taking naps under your X-Frame table simply for the pleasure of blessing your eyes when you awaken.
Taking pre-orders now, call your Fireball rep today.
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Jason, I plead with you, give the X-frame table a full fireball makeover. You’re the only one with the capability and standards to do it. Drop version 2.0 on the world, even though you just dropped version 1. That would be a boss level move. We need this.
When you release version 2.0, and thus you are declared the Henry Ford of Modern Tooling, it’d be cool and very reasonable and understandably so, if you hook-hooked me up. Like one of everything kind of hook up. Even big vice. That would be an act of class and thus would truly match the spirit of Henry Ford. Just sayin’. Plus the Youtube video would get a ton of views, we’d call it “Pimp My Shop” by Fireball Tool. I’ll be episode one.
And if you stay stubborn, and don’t want the X-frame to take over the entire fixture table market, and don’t like being compared to Henry Ford, and you don’t like children laughing, then fine, be that way.
I feel like I should still be begging though, and I should, we all should, because only Jason could pull off a version 2.0. So start begging guys.
Did I mention, according to the Doc, I’m going to die someday, and no sooner than those words left his mouth, I thought of my dying wish, and it was version 2.0 of the X-frame table. The Fireball X-Frame. Patent it, patent it all. You got this.
Note: Tried to be a bit funny, if anyone is mad, it was probably said in humor. If you’re still mad, reread paragraph one. If still mad after that, counseling asap.
P.S. I wanted to include a Star Wars reference but I felt it wasn’t of The Force to force it. But X-Frame… X-Wing… Starship office… tell me this isn’t destiny. It is. Did I mention I can see the future?
P.P.S. Highly accurate archetype technical drawings included. Directly importable into AutoCad, just set the import settings to convert from pencil units to imperial.
P.P.P.S. I told Victor to relay an important message to you. 